trying to ....

get motivated.

thinking too much

the tears come.... i can't help them... i don't even mean for them to arrive, but they do, they sting in the cold, on the short drives home. and now 2 of the 3 girls are gone, so there went my needed "distractions"
road trip this weekend, i hope, assuming roads stay dry. i miss edmonton, it has only been a month.
i seem to just hate calgary more and more, i thought i was getting back on track, i cleaned my apartment, was working more... now i'm working less, cleaning far less, and wanting to go away more and more all over again.
today was fun, it felt so good to hold a knife again.
singing last night was great, oh how i have missed singing. and i SANG last night, in the crowd, not knowing, not having rehearsed, but i sang to be heard, not just to sing.
i'd like to get a string on my violin, maybe that too would be good, like riding a bike i hope...

Can't help but smile

- made sirius radio work online today, all broadway all day.
- you sending me a text saying you got my present today....you were the only one who was really GOOD at gifts.... yet you don't want anything... i'm surprised you got me something at all.
- otherwise ... i'm bored.
still angry... but onto ignoring you... or trying to.

angry still

" . . . see what you have done to me
as if you give a sh*t
i used to live behind a line
but now i'm over it
. . .
. . .
Thank you for your courtesy
and for your drunken kiss
i'm drunker than you'll ever be
I hate to tell you this. . ."

why do i bother?

I check my emails. I try to volunteer when i can help out.
BUT... this has me upset.
I offer to Volunteer for a role in the theatre community, helping out where you would think i'd be needed the most. I even took a course on the role.
I'm told i got the position. then ... no word, nothing.... alright, sure maybe they are busy, maybe they found someone else.
so i talk to YOU... who tells me its not your decision... okay, fair enough. BUT...
Then i get asked, AGAIN, if i will do it, to which i respond, yes, of course. . . . NOTHING.
and AGAIN, from a different person... two different people, in one day.
so now i say, i thought i was already, yes i'd love to help, i've said that from day one, just let me know when and where i need to be.

AFTER all of this, they say they don't need me after all...

and now i am still getting e-mails asking for more volunteers.
i'm not responding, especially after the e-mail I recieved today.

which somehow stated that the decision DID have something to you with YOU....

hmmmm

I GIVE UP.

cardio-twist

why is it that infomercials make things seem so great?
I mean i know thats their job... man if promo work made things seem that great, no one would say no to all the free stuff.... so many people say no, it always blows my mind. too busy to stop and talk to the promo girls... but go home and watch an infomercial, and be convinced that thats what you NEED...

i do however NEED to cardio-twist, much like i needed the magic bullet (which despite what Sophie says totally works... now to get the new improved one with attachments..)

missing

you were so lovely.... thank you for your time, thank all of you.
sorry my visit was so short.
i'd really like to come back.

PIT........

So I was offered a PIT role...
It would mean, working my ass off to learn the violin really quick for miss saigon.
I know people in Miss Saigon, and it would be sweet to do.
I just need to focus as soon as I get back to Calgary, pick up some music, go get a string and a re-tuning. and then see if I am ready to go to rehearsal on Friday.

But IF I can pull it off.... It'd be pretty sweet.

Recycled..

Here I am sitting in Vancouver, which IS beautiful despite all the rain, and thinking its so cool how even when I haven't seen people in years we can just pick up where we left off, like nothings happened. It is also funny to me, and I think its kind of interesting, that I have seen more people while here than people who came out for my birthday. Okay that part just depresses me a little.
I miss my girls in Calgary, who knew I'd like them so much, and I miss my pets, but otherwise I like it here, although I'm sure if i moved noone would come out as often.
I just think its strange, you are friends with someone and then you move, last time I was here I think I saw one person.... This time, I'm not going to have enough time to see everyone.

in happier news

My show was awesome.... and now i want more!

getting annoyed

i'm not sure if its the people, or the job.... but i'm annoyed....
3 days left in edmonton, 3 full days of work...
heres hoping for a dinner with top gun. that would certainly cheer me up.

also, not sure whats going on with my phone. it seems to only send a few of the messages...

back in edmonton.

2 weeks this time...
so far . . . .
work is rough, but otherwise good.

I DID IT!!!!!!!

I got a part!!! FROM AN AUDITION.... not just my pretty face!!!

and... its paid!!!!
its only one night, but STILL, so exciting!

also

ONE WEEK . . . until the show goes up.... one week.
so . . . we have yet to have a full cast rehearsal, we've all known about it since August... theres no excuse really...
but with 2 rehearsals left... the question remains...
CAN it be done?

I'm sad...

I'm not sure why i'm sad, but I'm sad...
I find myself getting very upset, over nothing really.
Not sure if its because of all the birthdays that just passed, and who's they belonged to. Although thank YOU for allowing me to spend some time with you on yours. The other two... who knows.

Perhaps its because you are moving, you always said you would. I've known this for years, but for years you haven't. Now its looking like a definite reality, one that I'd better come to grips with very soon, or I may find myself upset, visibly upset at your farewell.... and I don't want to make it a sad event for you. But as I said today... I never thought I'd say it, especially after all that's happened, but despite it all, I'm going to miss you. Especially with how nice you've been lately. Makes me almost forget you were ever a jerk....

I don't know... I just hope I cheer up soon...

On the plus side, great audition in Canmore today, not nervous at all..... which is always a refreshing change. Why can't you ever see my good auditions?

. . .

I want to get away..
feels like its been forever since i've gone away.. even if its just to Edmonton. And I was camping on set all last week!
I miss going to Osoyoos.

I think maybe I'm just tired of Calgary.

EXCITING!!!

I was selected to audition for Dr. Horrible!!!!!!!!

p.s.

I miss you...
spending time with you...
chatting with you...

its been so long since we've chatted.

and hugged..

i'm glad i got a hug today.
xoxox.

hmmm

why is it that i can't audition for you.... of all people.
you were the first to show real faith in me..

but then you cancelled.

is that why?
or is it that I want to work with you so badly, that i want you to push me, that i just freeze... and get tongue tied, wanting what i've chosen to be the RIGHT thing.... to be what "shows me off" best.

maybe i just want to be given a chance, to know that you still have that faith...

should anyone

ever really trust a lawyer??/

Rain Rain

go away, i'll fringe tomorrow anyways...

but the dragon boaters..... they have a competition.... they don't want rain.

i like the sounds rain makes, i like running in it, i like umbrellas, i like to watch the lightning, and hear the thunder, and the Emerald City looks even more magical in the rain.

a spoonful of sugar

well...
i seem to do my best brainstorming while making the drive up.
I want this to be successful... it would be so great, i could make the move, and have work.

tonight however was great, so nice to see friends from the past... even if you were there... with her..
thats fine, you left first.
i'm not sorry...
normally i'd say i was, but i'm not... we chose to go to the bar, i had no idea you were there, our table was predetermined.

you seemed visably upset.... but i'm probablly just wrong about that right?
of course.


but thanks Marliss, Randy is great, and you seem honestly willing to help out in my transition.

I can't wait!!!!

but first . . . in theory, i have a show to do!

*sigh*

back in calgary, working daily now which is good.
promo in edmonton was a gong show, but fun all the same.
i don't think there is much that can make me hate that city.

"theres no place like home"

But I still love edmonton. even if i have to see you... and feelings come back, even if you're a jerk.

drive this time however...the drive seems to get more and more interesting.
in december, vinnie and i got stuck in a freak ice storm, causing out drive home to take about 7 hrs.
a few weeks ago, carisa and I got "stalked"
and now.....
Judy and i...
well.....
it started after red deer, judy looked at the sky, said it looked awful, i only saw the black, as we were in a smart car, and i didn't know where she was looking...
THEN I SAW IT.

the beginning of a tornado, the wind had picked up, i was white knuckled staying on the road, we watched it, well i tried to, as going as fast as I could... watched it turn into a long funnel and touch down.
not sure if there was damage, i was too busy getting us out of there, just in time for the car to start to run out of fuel... which counts down from 5 L.
we made it to leduc with 2 L left. thats the downside of a electronic gas gage that only has 5 bubbles.

once arriving in edmonton Judy started to fix her makeup, and start a new trend perhaps, in her purse a pen had exploded... so without noticing she got ink all over her face.

all in all it was a great trip, lots of laughs, good people, great show, and POWER shopping!!

Theatre Calgary

Photoshoot this morning/
so AWESOME, FUN...
hard to be "sad" when you're in a BIG pink dress and corset, and outside a THEATRE.

I loved my "spotlight" at epcor and jack singer.

hope we got some GREAT SHOTS.

need to find a guy to stand in for my song in the "key of me"
LOL
superman has a pretty face, but don't know how hard he'd be to get here...

guess i'll keep my eyes open around town.

Superman

you are awesome, so great to meet you.
Thanks for making work fun.


new promo company.... hopefully goes well..... this new guy says its great, i trust him and take his word for it.... but the manager out here makes it tougher.

Thanks to great friends and red wine for making this weekend great even with all the work.

:)

boredom

*sigh*
BORING shift today......
I guess I can't always get visitors, AND have a relaxing shift...

NOISY today.... yuck.
although the gift is kinda sweet... very funny, i'll see how it looks before i decide anything.

ushering was cancelled last night.... SAD!!! But I got to meet the cast, and go ON STAGE, which is the ORIGINAL, and sign up for several more ushering shifts!!! AND Karaoke was great, sang a tonne, new friends are lovely.

although everyones pessimism today i could really do without, if you don't want my help fine, but you COULD be great, and its a JOB.... so really.... why wouldn't you?

i am loving

Pushing Daisies.

its so Brilliant, and clever.

i am very sad that once again there are only 2 seasons.

all the good shows get cancelled.

back

i really wish i could be in two places at once.
two cities have my heart.
or perhaps its just people in this city......

EVIL DEAD was AWESOME!!!!
I will go see it again and again.

hmmmm no mail yet..... something MUST be WRONG with CANADA POST..... yet my bills seem to arrive just fine.

I WANT TO SEE UP!!!!

or any of the movies we have been trying to see for weeks really.

again we don't always get what we want.

and yeah... i am a "little bit"

however

sad as I am and will be to leave, coming home brings BLOOD (evil dead LOL) and an answer to a question i suppose.

Did you actually send everything you claim to have?
well I won't know until i return.

Now... do I come back up for the Sterlings? I guess I will find out tomorrow before I leave this wonderful place.

royal treatment

so....
upon arrival in edmonton, we were treated like princesses.
next morning i woke up to breakfast.

so we painted a room to say thanks... he wanted it painted i swear!!!

the play tonight was awesome, i reccommend it to everyone.
i'll be sad to go tomorrow.
every time i leave this city i am sad.

but visits are never complete without IT... used to be YOU too... but thats done.

YOU..........

thank you for being so lovely lately.

I love the "beaver dam" Oh how it has made me laugh all day...
ha ha ha ha ha

good sleep last night,
so comfortable....
finally.

edmonton

Oh... how I love you....
still....

The welcome dinner was amazing, the drive was super fun, road trip partners are great. Carisa always makes me laugh.
However..... now.... now that I am sitting, I am feeling.... i'm not sure... saddened... frustrated, and rather strange.
So much so that I am left wondering what feeling I am actually experiencing.
But I don't like it.
And i KNOW its your fault.

feeling are flooding back.

things i want to say, and don't know how. things i want to do and cant.

I am finally physically better... perhaps, as of ... yesterday......
emotionally... clearly is a whole different issue.

and i kind of sort of hate you for this.

SHE is very kind though, as already asked if I spoke to you.

ugh

drinking was a bad idea...

plan

no mother i DO NOT need a PLAN....
nor should i be ASHAMED of whats happened...
I NEED to go away.
I NEED to move.
i WANT to move.

but i also kind of want to crawl into a hole and die....
so I guess we don;t always get what we want do we?

well....

I have left the house....
gone to a large event.
even made the cupcakes for it.
people seemed to like them, and the pinup girls serving them.

new business?

LOL

that'd be ... SWEET. ha ha ha

alberta opera has auditions.... i want to.... but would YOU cause a problem... its not like i'd be working with YOU anyways...but it IS your friends company...

I hate this feeling like you would try to sabotage my career.
i'm not sure you WOULD... but then again, i never thought you could be this much of a jerk.

Its been a week... i'm still broken and TRYING desperately not to shut down.
Thanks to "Jesus" for letting me pester you so much. . . and to you for the long distance call.

i think i want....

to try dragonboating....

and to get a new tattoo or two....

i lost my piercing in the surgery....

do i repierce... making that the third time?

so ....

"how could i be such a fool to think . . . .?"

the question still lingers.

did you actually tell her?

should i?

should SHE??

what if WE tell HER too???

Hallelujah

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

"i was there ... now i'm not"

....
funny
cause you WERN'T there.... still arn't.

although i need you.

even if i might not want to.

still

... want to move... you'll have to deal.
... want my money.
... want to act.
... think this is ridiculous.
... wish that todays phone call had cheered me.
... going to be going to all shows i have tickets to. yours or not. ... again you'll have to deal.

Unfair

I have been kind, i have been caring, and i have kept my mouth shut... until now.

funny.... how many of us have you been lying to.

me... her... how about the others... the two at least... but are there more?

is that why you are "done"... i know too much... i ask too many questions....
i am the one who has scared you?

i do not deserve this.

i do however deserve support at the very least..
oh, and my money.

CannonBall

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So its not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon.

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause its not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her
Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

IF i change it...

will you actually come?

YUCK

its not fair that I am the one going through all of this, while you run off and galavant in Banff, no doubt with HER... which is even more ridiculous as i almost feel like I am funding such excursions....
I'm moody, and pissy, and it downright sucks.
I cry, and no one is here to hold me, and tell me everything is ok.
You say i have your support but its funny, cause i'm not feeling it, maybe i'm just crazy, and being an overly emotional girl. and whatever i am being, i apologize, its not really me, nor is it really like me, but I can't seem to help it.

and i know you sit and say "its totally ok, its understandable, its crappy, try to let this go and stop feeling awful :)" and all i want to do is SCREAM at you at the top of my lungs, to just come and HOLD ME until I sleep.
is that so much to ask?

in other news, i am growing more and more excited to "get away" to edmonton for a few days. it will be good to stay away from this city for a night or two, and maybe think once more about moving there... which strangely seems like its becoming the best option. i'd miss YOU though.... even though you would probably say thats "too much", you have the best timing.

11 days.....

takes too long i think......
i don't know if i can handle this..

missing you

.......

The musical

Last night ..... My goodness I had forgotten how much I missed you and your touch


Don't stay away so long I kind of adore youtoo

how

how could you be so cruel???
and not even any of it to my face?
run away?
and then..........
wow

such...... hate.....

i'm not saying i'm perfect.
not at all....
but i've never been cruel.

and to deny a friendship.... why?
especially after ALL this time.....

"i'm being "mean" to you, and you're letting me" well thats quite the UNDERSTATEMENT....

ridiculous.

and you...... i'm sorry i can't say that enough, i'm sorry i got you in "trouble" and everything else. but thank you none the less. i hate the drift..... hate hate hate.

stalker.....

i really hope that wasn't about me, yes i saw that...... better not have been about me,
number 1, i was going to invite you, but i thought you were cast bonding.
i can't help but be a little ........ off that i am being lied to, and feeling .... used.

alternatively

thanks to you.... it doesn't really help, but its a nice distraction.

this sucks

I'm upset, and i miss you,
and i tried, i put myself out there, i worked my *ss off...... for what????

secret

We lead two different lives
Just like two lines that never cross
And here we are together
Standing closer than we are
But were still standing here untouched
Too scared to make a move
We want so much to touch
And we cant wait forever
We know its dangerous
For us to be together

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we keep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didnt we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or forever stay apart

I watch you coming to me
Walking in the pouring rain
I cant help looking at you
Wishing I could stay away
So many times Ive tried in vain
To close my eyes and pray it goes away
But I cant stop myself from feeling
To let you go would be too much
For me to take

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we deep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didnt we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or forever stay apart

I cant help thinking
When I look into your eyes
How much I need you
Its so hard to hide

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we keep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didnt we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or be doomed to stay apart

A week ago . . . Under The Water

i get confused when i'm tired
but the last time i saw you
we were in a room
with sunshine in my eyes
and water on the floor
i watched you float away
take me with you

a long time ago
we were walking around
we were rolling around
in the graden
in the garden
i saw you turn around
and still you turn around
my eyes are playing tricks on me
how i miss you

I could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be standing on a ladder
to make it easier
to make it easier

your eyes are colored stone
you've got an earring through your nose
your chains are made of gold
i dont think they would float
but floating is what you do
that is beautiful
that is you

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be swimming out to save you
no one ever saves you
to make it easier

i'll be your lover
under the water
i could be standing
to make it easier

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be standing on a ladder
to make it easier
to make it easier

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be swimming out to save you
no one ever saves you
to make it easier

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be swimming out to save you
no one ever saves you
to make it easier

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be standing on a ladder
to make it easier
to make it easier

i could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be swimming out to save you
no one ever saves you
to make it easier

i could could be your lover
chained under the water
under the water
i could be swimming out the save you
no one ever saves you
to make it easier

beautiful stuff

You are the sweetest thing...... TERRIBLE i know.

i shouldnt think these things you make me think.

had the coolest experiences the other day, fed giraffes, played with hippos, fed and got kisses from camels, and fed LIONS (which is about as scary as it sounds) Lions were the grossest cause they got white rabbits, so when they bit the heads off...... well..... you know,
giraffes are my favorite, cutest faces, and i have always loved them, but the rule with them is yuo can't touch them but they can touch you. camels are neat cause they give kisses if you ask, so thats just sweet. and hippos get excited and just want pets and love, and food thrown into their mouths, like a child she opened her mouth full of crunched up green pepper hoping for more,

*sigh*

YOU...
I wish I got to see you longer... I miss you.
All parts of you.

It makes me very happy that you were able to "slip away" even if it was very brief.
Great talk Monday, thank you.
month over. Thank goodness...

Part of that world......

I'm thrilled ... GREAT interview today, so fun, amazing man, just lovely.

great road trip saturday... best partner ever... drove half way and let em "disappear" for a brief period.

LOL

Too many modelling shoots coming up.... 5 or 6? i think???
how many pictures do i need??? maybe i can start getting paid for them soon.

my birthday...

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.

Your strength: Your charm

Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics

Your power color: Indigo

Your power symbol: Four leaf clover

Your power month: December


well... i DO find 4 leaf clovers all the time.

At the late night ... double feature... picture show

Rocky horror... always a blast. I can't believe you showed up. I can't believe what i wore.

only you will know how i feel...
i would be honoured to work with you too...

IPhone got sick tonight.... had to restore, its taken the last 3 hours to get it back to working order.
*sigh*

plus side, got photos, and more shoots lined up.

road trip tomorrow...?????

Thank YOU... :).

"As are you my head turning hottie from the land of greatness"

i feel so incredibly special.

who knew such a beautiful friendship would start to blossom is such a small amount of time.

wow...

P.S. You have the most stunning eyes I have seen in some time

drinks . . . ?

with me? REALLY?!?!?!? Thats so freaking cool!!

I wish i knew what to do, so glad you are so awesome to give up your number and offer to chat.
I'm excited. You have so much knowledge.

if you were the teacher for the course, i'd stay in for sure.

grade 8 . . .

how long ago WAS that????

what do i have to do?

I hear what you’re not saying
Loud ‘n’ clear
I’ve long since stopped asking
How you feel
If I’m ever gonna be
Any closer to you
Oh what do I have to do
To get you
To talk to me
Say anything
Just see me in the room
I don’t wanna be a flower on the wall of your world
Wilting away
How hard is it just
To have a simple conversation
Ask me all about
A book I read or how my day went
For me to get through to you
Oh what do I have to do
If I thought it’d make a difference
I’d take up golf
And the next time you go fishing
I’d tag along
I’d write it word for word
Across the sky
That if you don’t love me back I’ll die
What do I have to do to get you
To talk to me
Say anything
Just see me in the room
I don’t wanna be a flower on the wall of your world
Wilting away
How hard is it just
To have a simple conversation
Ask me all about
A book I read or how my day went
For me to get through to you
Oh what do I have to do
Yeah
Oh how hard is it just
To have a simple conversation
Tell me about
How your long day at work went
For me to get through to you
Oh what do I have to do
Oh yeah
Oh what do I have to do

so many ways . . .

AWWW .. I feel so special. Went to the Systatic show tonight, got mentioned as soon as i arrived on the mic by the band. it was very sweet... even if it announced my tardiness.
then cause i missed MY FAVORITE song they played it and dedicated it for me near the end of the night.
so nice to see everyone... even if it was a little strange.

so jealous of you today... I wish i was able to do some of those things.. what an amazing experience you got to be a part of. i hope i get to see some of it.

dim sum tomorrow i think......

make me happy . . . .

Figured out how to finally get my songs onto my computer tonight... so happy... then reorganized the whole damn thing... there must be a faster way, and when i figure that out i'm sure i'll kick myself.... but at least its done now.
i won't get bored with the songs on here for a while..i'm thrilled.

also best dinner ever tonight, such a great group completely random but everyone got along so well.

listening

well.... funny note you left me... not sure if you knew it was from my birthday...
or that i had thought of sending you that a long time ago...

have a different one i'd like you to hear...

Flip Flop

I came across this today . . . . and it seems . . . . perfect.


This is it. I don’t know why exactly I’m doing this other than the fact that it needs to be done. I cannot keep it in anymore yet I don’t know how to express things probably. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway except to myself. It will hit this brick wall and filter down into whatever abyss you have down there. You are always in the right and I am always in the wrong. You always push me around, take advantage of me. You claim that I treat you horribly. Flip flop.

Do you know how much you hurt me? Do you even realize that you continuously dig that knife deeper and deeper into me? Every little thing you do – the way you talk, the way you stand, the way you laugh, the way you chew your food – annoys the crap out of me. And the reason why it annoys the crap out of me is because you have hurt me so much. And you won’t even hug me anymore. You say don’t get upset but how am I supposed to feel?

I suppose I’m not like you. I don’t forgive others when they treat me like garbage. I let others abuse and abuse and abuse until I’m at my breaking point and then nothing can be saved. I allowed you to abuse me because I thought you loved me. You love the power. You love the fact that I need you. I did need you at one time.

I don’t respect myself and I don’t respect you. I can work on the not respecting myself issue because only I have to blame for those circumstances and I can change. But I can’t change you and I can’t make you ask about me or be proud of me or even want to spend some time with me or even hug me. I also don’t want to be your maid and your second best. The person you always run to when nobody else is around. When you put me in that position of second best I didn’t respect you. When you treat me like this I don’t respect you. When you make those decisions, opening yourself up again and again and again I don’t respect you. When you are selfish I don’t respect you. If I cannot even mutter your name without some sort of hurt or judgement, obviously there is a problem there.

The person who you say you have a connection with you also kick around. Let’s be realistic, shall we? I’m everything you love and hate about yourself. That is the connection. I realize now I’m too good for this.

Of course you will call me silly. You call me an overreactor since there is no way possibly that you could be the source of these issues. There is no way that you couldn’t be a perfect saint. Everybody likes you. Everybody has to like you – you have some sense of isolation when one person doesn’t like you. Well guess what. I haven’t liked you for six months. And yes I was testing you. You knew what a hard time this was for me and yet you didn’t even call. It is that circular relationship – I think that you are going to call and be there for me. You said that you always would be. Obviously you were lying. You even ruin my plans for that big night two years in a row and this year you don’t even call.

But I let you ruin my plans. I let you hurt me. I let you in to make me cry. And I can’t do that to myself anymore. There are two solutions…the circular relationship…one more chance…why am I hanging on…either you recognize my feelings and you recognize me to be a human being with thoughts and opinions and emotions that are not to be constantly taken advantage of or we never talk to each other again.

I’m afraid to officially realize that I lost what I valued. That I lost it a long time ago but it is not yet a reality.

And that’s what I thought. This is it. What should I expect from perfection?

By the way. You owe me alcohol money.

C. Clarke

well . . .

hostory repeats itself....
and it sucks more every time.
i get calmer.... drunkeer.... but the result is the same
i'm left feeling like sh*t ..


i feel awful...
i kep rewiding grease 2.... i feel like aomzbie...
i don't want o move.
i can't focus.

my oomie cooks and cleans...
shes nice tat way.

i'm never thrown anything... at ANYONW.... until today.

cleaned up the shrapnel/

went to singing... it din't even amke me ghappy.. i couldn't even see the orks/

"I don't know why . . ."

THE F YOU DONT....
AND even if you "don't know why" which is BS... you still DID it...
we talked . . . 2 days ago... only 2 days ago... for the whole day... then you went SILENT on me at the bar... i thought you finally understood... i guess i thought wrong... from you... from both of you... when i was already so uncomfortable being there . . .I am at a loss. it blows my mind
i'm so mad i don't even want to speak...
actually...
i'm quite calm.... maybe i'm not mad... maybe i expected this somehow...
i'm not sure.
I clearly don't know you at all.. and i never will... i get that much now more than ever.
i hope you're asleep. i don't want to talk.

congratulations . . . . i hope YOU'RE happy....
have a good trip. I'm glad you liked your stupid cake.
I love you.....

i need to get out of this city already.
i hate it more and more everyday

umm

I don't even know what to say . . . . . .

one week . . .

and you're gone...
seen you now two days in a row... when will you complain. LOL
I have never met anyone who knows so little about music
it blows my mind.
I still might miss you...
I'm sorry you realize you're not "the same' you can't be. I apologize, and yet I don't.
I shouldn't have to. You had your chance... You didn't take it. You never will.

married . . .

well... as I said i now know what it feels like to be married.... ha ha ha and NOT in the newlywed phase . we come home, you CONFUSE me... but climb into my bed... ON MY SIDE... so you move, i sit on my laptop and you play on your internet.... we don't speak except to show each other something interesting we've found.. we dont touch.. cause thats not us... we're friends.. you still make no sense...

"i go crazy in here... when you're not around... and then when i'm with you.. i'm happy..."

i'm trying to understand. but at this point i'm not sure I ever will..

Put those back in . . . . LOL

Tears catch in the back of my throat, but you won't tell me when you leave. . . Strange, you drive me mad. But I will miss you. Don't forget me on your trip.... You've turned into such a good friend . . . who knew?

Although tonights plans . . . NOT something i'd ever expect from you.. after all you "hated" the nurse fundraiser I dragged you too... I am thinking this may very well be similar... it IS called Freakshow after all. But thats fine.

I guess I'll see you soon... or later... you're so . . . helpful.

maybe I won't miss you after all.

Curiousity killed the cat . . . .

and it will kill me too.

Giddy.... I'm dying to know

hsm2 . . . .too short notice?

class = CANCELLED??????
now to make a choice....


*sigh*

where are you today?

i ask questions . . . nothing.
and i have no many right now...
i'm so confused.
so much i want to know.

auditioned tonight... too short for one role, but maybe ok for a different one... it was fun. it could be fun.
more auditions later in the month.

missing

went to jubilations tonight... got to do a stage bit.... i miss it...
oh do i miss it.
can't wait for classes to start again, and more auditions.

news . . .

Today....
I worked
I cleaned
I got a roommate . . . slightly damaged....
I ate some food...
I still feel off and crappy.
I talked to you.
I learned a new song.... two actually...

Oh my goodness . . .

do you ever frustrate me!!!!!
LOL
:)