trying to ....

get motivated.

thinking too much

the tears come.... i can't help them... i don't even mean for them to arrive, but they do, they sting in the cold, on the short drives home. and now 2 of the 3 girls are gone, so there went my needed "distractions"
road trip this weekend, i hope, assuming roads stay dry. i miss edmonton, it has only been a month.
i seem to just hate calgary more and more, i thought i was getting back on track, i cleaned my apartment, was working more... now i'm working less, cleaning far less, and wanting to go away more and more all over again.
today was fun, it felt so good to hold a knife again.
singing last night was great, oh how i have missed singing. and i SANG last night, in the crowd, not knowing, not having rehearsed, but i sang to be heard, not just to sing.
i'd like to get a string on my violin, maybe that too would be good, like riding a bike i hope...

Can't help but smile

- made sirius radio work online today, all broadway all day.
- you sending me a text saying you got my present today....you were the only one who was really GOOD at gifts.... yet you don't want anything... i'm surprised you got me something at all.
- otherwise ... i'm bored.
still angry... but onto ignoring you... or trying to.

angry still

" . . . see what you have done to me
as if you give a sh*t
i used to live behind a line
but now i'm over it
. . .
. . .
Thank you for your courtesy
and for your drunken kiss
i'm drunker than you'll ever be
I hate to tell you this. . ."

why do i bother?

I check my emails. I try to volunteer when i can help out.
BUT... this has me upset.
I offer to Volunteer for a role in the theatre community, helping out where you would think i'd be needed the most. I even took a course on the role.
I'm told i got the position. then ... no word, nothing.... alright, sure maybe they are busy, maybe they found someone else.
so i talk to YOU... who tells me its not your decision... okay, fair enough. BUT...
Then i get asked, AGAIN, if i will do it, to which i respond, yes, of course. . . . NOTHING.
and AGAIN, from a different person... two different people, in one day.
so now i say, i thought i was already, yes i'd love to help, i've said that from day one, just let me know when and where i need to be.

AFTER all of this, they say they don't need me after all...

and now i am still getting e-mails asking for more volunteers.
i'm not responding, especially after the e-mail I recieved today.

which somehow stated that the decision DID have something to you with YOU....

hmmmm

I GIVE UP.

cardio-twist

why is it that infomercials make things seem so great?
I mean i know thats their job... man if promo work made things seem that great, no one would say no to all the free stuff.... so many people say no, it always blows my mind. too busy to stop and talk to the promo girls... but go home and watch an infomercial, and be convinced that thats what you NEED...

i do however NEED to cardio-twist, much like i needed the magic bullet (which despite what Sophie says totally works... now to get the new improved one with attachments..)